Funny Painful Stuff
Dottie writes some funny painful stuff. This one will be filed under "funny sick twisted humor" or perhaps, "very funny short stories." Here at Monday Morning Writers Group, we are devoting an entire chapter to Dottie's work because she's so much fun!
The Cruelest Cut
by Dottie Rockel
I can see myself strapped to a gurney, an EMT rolling me from the ambulance into the emergency room. I have a knife wound to my stomach and my fingernails are torn and broken below the quick from the struggle. As I grow faint from the loss of blood I hear a distant voice ask what happened - violence, mayhem, perhaps a hold up? I am barely able to find the strength to tell them that the wound was self inflicted while I was trying to open my Susan Boyle Christmas CD.
A fragile disk capable of being ruined by a single scratch is suspended inside a plastic cover more secure than Ft. Knox. The case is rigged with woofers and tweeters that would sound an alarm if anyone tried to sneak it out of the store. These are removed by the checkout girl after the purchase is made. Once at home I try to remove a film of cellophane wrapping that could easily withstand the force of a bullet. It is stretched around the outside of the plastic box tighter than the skin on Joan Rivers' face.
I wrestle with it and finally poke a slight hole through it with surgical shears. It gives a little and I'm able to cut it off. Then comes the hard plastic case closed over the disk like a vise. One end can be separated only slightly, but it's like a resistant bivalve. The other end is secured with tape used to repair airplane wings. That's where the wedge and the six inch blade come into play. Frightening sounds come out of me that I haven't heard since the Karate Kid and perhaps a few new ones he'd like to know about.
I try to get a good angle on the box to leverage the end that can be pried just a teensy bit remembering that one false move would ruin the CD. If I could secure the case with my feet and hold the wedge in my teeth while inserting the six inch blade I would have it licked. That's when everything goes blank.
I bought six of these CDs to give to my friends as Christmas presents, but the gift is bittersweet. On the one hand I'm giving them some of the sweetest music this side of heaven but they'll have to hire their own cat burglar to crack their case.
Dottie offers Christmas poems here.
Read Dottie's jaded "Take" on the Ubiquitous Holiday Catalog
The Potluck Party Makes Host Crazy
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